The Male Hysteric

I understand nonbinary as an umbrella term but I kinda hate it as a descriptor. It'd be nice to be something rather than be labeled by what one isn't by default. There's something distinctly unmooring about being forced to identify with what one is not, and I'm not sure who decided on that, but I wish they would have thought this through a little better, idk.

I've been spending some time on the digital audio player subreddit (and now have a Snowsky Echo Mini and matching Linsoul 7HZx Zero:2s* and probably shouldn't be looking there anymore, but the old Sony stick-style mp3 players are strangely appealing), and there are a decent amount of young new users out there who have... never owned a music library, like at all, they just have had Spotify or whatever their entire lives and have never bought music. I guess I shouldn't be surprised but it just seems insane to me. I'm not exactly a full scale digital hoarder but like, if you like something, get a copy, and save it locally. You never know when it's going to disappear.

*I've had the Echo Mini for a while but I just got the IEMs a couple days ago and I am hearing sounds I have never heard before in old songs and they're way more comfortable than my porta pros. I do recommend, if you're into that sort of thing.

I guess I'm feeling kind of gross because I feel like I'm between projects, but not really.

I am Looking At The Novel, being the science fiction novel I've been working on for two years, and think the first few chapters need a heavy revision. So I have been trying to do that, but being on the computer, it's hard, and I'm just... not feeling it? And I'm not sure if I need to pause or need to muscle through it. My insane thought was to make a draft where I just took the passages I really liked, in some kind of opposite kill-your-darlings, and try to weave a narrative through that way, because this piece is really supposed to be running on vibes, so selecting the bestest vibes first from the old draft may be the way to go. Or maybe I should just do normal editing. I don't know. I feel kind of nuts looking at this thing, which is making me wonder if I should just chicken scratch at dirt for a new project that I want to do but isn't formed enough to really start writing.

I also had this insane idea of making a zine of excerpts of notes I've sent to my therapist, which in my case are extremely prolific. I mean it's my writing so I can do what I want with it, right? But as I was starting to compile some stuff it just felt really hard, even if the excerpts I was working with weren't super significant. I was at a local group to write and in the middle of it I was just like, "wow, what the fuck am I doing, this is insane," and had to get up and leave. But maybe it would be worth it to do? I don't know.

There is a zinefest at the end of June so I did want to bring something more substantial than my minizine for trades, but this might... not be it.

Thinking about the novel I realize I am at a turning point of it where, perhaps, it will just quickly go toward the end, or maybe it will be significantly longer. But I guess also as I got to a significantly cathartic point in the narrative, maybe I don't have the energy to go forward anymore, and I need to think about if things are worth it to my 'audience,' if this is even something that has an audience or a future, I don't know. I have other ideas that are half-baked that feel like they will definitely have more broad appeal than the WIP, but abandoning current stuff for stuff that there's not much of is a recipe for disaster.

It was weird. The housekeeper was asking me about writing like I actually knew anything and I didn't know what to tell her because despite all the shuffling I do I don't actually get any writing out and submitted or anywhere to read. Almost like it's not for other people at all, yet I spend so, so much time on it. I don't know. I feel bad.

I don’t usually like New Year’s resolutions, but I’ve maybe been convinced to do a few things that are unlikely to actually get done.

1. Draw blorbos. Fill up a sketchbook of blorbos (this is a specific sketchbook, which has 60 pages). Aside from feeling like I can’t draw whenever I try to draw, there’s also the weird shame that prevents me from being able to draw things I just like… I’ve always been envious of those twitter artists who could just churn out picture after picture of blorbo so maybe by the end of the year I will no longer have said mental block and be able to draw my own old man yaoi.

2. Read 10 novels. More than last year for sure but not a ridiculous amount, pretty doable.

3. Actually use the planner, stickers, post cards, etc.

4. I deleted twitter from my phone. Not really a New Year’s resolution, as in I’m not going to consider myself to be a failure if I put it back. But right now it’s gone.

Not a part of the resolutions but I am also thinking of building the website, Rebranding™️ and etc… I am thinking of maybe making a gallery of liminal space images on Neocities. That’s something I don’t need to feel like I’m totally competent at to begin with, at least.

Anyway. Yesterday I went to get a massage and it was different than usual. Most of the time there are only a couple spots that are a bit painful, and I grin and bear it, but this time much more was painful, to the point that I even flinched away. I had been seeing the same guy a few times and I asked him what seemed different this time, and he said that I seemed more present this time. So I guess this is what you get for being mentally present, huh, you regain the ability to feel pain. I still felt better afterward, but even a few hours after and even now over a day later I am trying to keep my body from re-tensing up and I feel like I’m mostly failing. It’s hard to tell exactly what’s wrong, or how to fix it, alas.

I wrote my boyfriend a letter today

I hope he likes it.

I keep thinking, “gosh, I wish there was more stuff to read from more people on dreamwidth, it would be so much better than the social media sites I’ve been stuck on —“

And then I remember I haven’t been posting here, and that I’m part of the problem.

I have not been feeling great (?) for the past couple weeks mentally I guess for various undefined reasons that I will keep to myself here. However talking to my therapist today he thinks I should find a trauma-informed therapist when I move. Which is strange because like, I am aware that there are such things, but it also seems like... shouldn't a therapist just be trauma-informed in general? Like that almost seems like something that should just be necessary in their toolbox especially considering the reasons why people go to therapy and that people are often not forthcoming about having trauma.

But maybe that is a thought for another day. Oy.

I have been writing. My boyfriend actually read something I had written and liked it. For some reason not all of my feelings are good about this. Like is he going to expect more from me when I haven't written much in ages, and am still working on... never mind.

I did finally see the Barbie movie on Sunday. I think I should probably write a post about it. Maybe not super detailed, but more than I would be able to do at this time of night, so I'll hold that thought for now, I think.

My stupidest thought right now re:writing is that I should get a lined leucttrum notebook now and that would get me to write probably.

Keep in mind that I have 3 (!) not-lined leucttrum notebooks, including one still in the package, and lined not-leucttrums, and I’m moving soon and should NOT be buying more things, but… alas, the heart wants what it wants.

So I cracked open my neocities yesterday and realized that if I wanted to make a consistent search bar across the site, I would need to figure out JavaScript once and for all, so I closed that up and sulked a bit.

Then I opened up my WIP, realized that I didn't like what I was writing, that I have restarted this story so many times (I am not really sure where the beginning is, is maybe the problem), so I closed my notebook and went and sulked some more.

The power was out so I was staying at my mother's so I guess it wasn't a great loss of time or productivity or whatever but I'm still stuck and this doesn't change that I'm stuck. I have 225 squares of a baby blanket to weave so maybe I should just do that instead but still. Ugh.