I am thinking about how one of the reasons I don't post here much is because I keep thinking I have something dumb I want to say in the middle of the day, and then I think, "oh, what if I want to say something later? Then maybe I just should wait", except in that case I only ever post AFTER journaling and AFTER novel drafting and by then I'm all written out and just want to go to sleep. I am realizing this is kind of a dumb thing to do and it won't kill me if I actually do make two posts in a day if something really needs to be posted later for some reason. So. Hello, world.
The internet (or, well, maybe, mostly social media) is quickly becoming unusable for me because of the rampant amounts of antisemitism literally everywhere. It is honestly worse than my experience with transphobia online and I say this as a trans person.
My other thought right now is about the indieweb as an alternative and there seems to be significant problems to the point that I'm thinking of writing an essay. As with most things in tech there seems to be a major disconnect in what people want and what tech people want to do. So much of the face of the indieweb is retroweb material built by high school and college kids who can design beautiful retro aesthetic layouts because, frankly, they have so much free time on their hands and no real responsibilities. We know right now probably more than ever that grown up adults with jobs and such have interesting things to say and especially because the indieweb does not generally have straightforward monetization opportunities, they should be able to publish simply without sacrificing all of their precious free time.
And in saying this I think there needs to be more focus on really simple text-based websites that people can just bang out if they have something to say and just need somewhere to put it. The competition with non-indie sources is really fierce for this niche but I think at least some people can be pulled, especially given the privacy garbage happening on social media. While I know the back end of, for example, Ao3 is quite complex, the front end being well-formatted text shows that sites that are simply well-formatted text are worthwhile in themselves. I feel like Zonelets is probably the most complexity one can realistically ask of people, and even that might be too much because it is still Javascript. But still having packages like that for people who aren't super tech-minded to be able to deploy simple, text-based static websites that are usable on mobile to a host of their choice should probably be the priority.
My other thought right now is about the indieweb as an alternative and there seems to be significant problems to the point that I'm thinking of writing an essay. As with most things in tech there seems to be a major disconnect in what people want and what tech people want to do. So much of the face of the indieweb is retroweb material built by high school and college kids who can design beautiful retro aesthetic layouts because, frankly, they have so much free time on their hands and no real responsibilities. We know right now probably more than ever that grown up adults with jobs and such have interesting things to say and especially because the indieweb does not generally have straightforward monetization opportunities, they should be able to publish simply without sacrificing all of their precious free time.
And in saying this I think there needs to be more focus on really simple text-based websites that people can just bang out if they have something to say and just need somewhere to put it. The competition with non-indie sources is really fierce for this niche but I think at least some people can be pulled, especially given the privacy garbage happening on social media. While I know the back end of, for example, Ao3 is quite complex, the front end being well-formatted text shows that sites that are simply well-formatted text are worthwhile in themselves. I feel like Zonelets is probably the most complexity one can realistically ask of people, and even that might be too much because it is still Javascript. But still having packages like that for people who aren't super tech-minded to be able to deploy simple, text-based static websites that are usable on mobile to a host of their choice should probably be the priority.
Personal entries, maybe
Dec. 24th, 2025 11:52 pmI'm very tempted to start writing posts on gender. I don't talk that much on gender here and that's mostly been on purpose. But I'm getting tempted, because the world isn't really getting less harsh. I am thinking however I will be putting them as private entries, I'm not sure I really want the wider world picking apart my thoughts on gender, even if nobody will actually see them here. This is Dreamwidth, after all.
I understand nonbinary as an umbrella term but I kinda hate it as a descriptor. It'd be nice to be something rather than be labeled by what one isn't by default. There's something distinctly unmooring about being forced to identify with what one is not, and I'm not sure who decided on that, but I wish they would have thought this through a little better, idk.
I'd like to write someday
Aug. 13th, 2025 09:55 pmI feel like at some point I am going to need to write about a particular transmasculine identity, which isn't quite "man" but is definitely masc-attracted, that is a stable identity but it coalesces on a sort of polarity that is not allowed to exist in reality because it is politically inconvenient. These people often seem maligned in the queer community much in the same way as bisexual women, being accused of "just being straight women who want to feel special". This accusation becomes increasingly bizarre as this group comes out and gain confidence in themselves, not only physically transition but also tend to date each other or trans men. Around this group, The gender/sexuality matrix breaks down here in peculiar ways, especially given the traditional taboo of butch/butch relationships. It looks like fluidity from the outside of gender and sexuality because there's a conscious avoidance of being able to name it, but it's really stable. "If anything that's not a man is a spicy woman, why are these spicy women dating other spicy women when they like men?" the gender and sexuality zeitgeist around us ties itself into knots to understand. This group is forced to twist into concepts it doesn't fit into because that is the "way it actually is" according to the ones who built the fences.
It's such a weird space, and the seemingly rigid, artificial boundary at the outer edge of "lesbianism" is part of why it's seen this way, I think. I'm not sure if I can blame it all on political lesbianism either, people have always been uncomfortable with butch/butch relationships, like this weird microcosm of homophobia that gays themselves can indulge in.
I don't know, this isn't really a complete thought. But it seems important.
It's such a weird space, and the seemingly rigid, artificial boundary at the outer edge of "lesbianism" is part of why it's seen this way, I think. I'm not sure if I can blame it all on political lesbianism either, people have always been uncomfortable with butch/butch relationships, like this weird microcosm of homophobia that gays themselves can indulge in.
I don't know, this isn't really a complete thought. But it seems important.
On r/DigitalAudioPlayer
Aug. 11th, 2025 09:49 pmI've been spending some time on the digital audio player subreddit (and now have a Snowsky Echo Mini and matching Linsoul 7HZx Zero:2s* and probably shouldn't be looking there anymore, but the old Sony stick-style mp3 players are strangely appealing), and there are a decent amount of young new users out there who have... never owned a music library, like at all, they just have had Spotify or whatever their entire lives and have never bought music. I guess I shouldn't be surprised but it just seems insane to me. I'm not exactly a full scale digital hoarder but like, if you like something, get a copy, and save it locally. You never know when it's going to disappear.
*I've had the Echo Mini for a while but I just got the IEMs a couple days ago and I am hearing sounds I have never heard before in old songs and they're way more comfortable than my porta pros. I do recommend, if you're into that sort of thing.
*I've had the Echo Mini for a while but I just got the IEMs a couple days ago and I am hearing sounds I have never heard before in old songs and they're way more comfortable than my porta pros. I do recommend, if you're into that sort of thing.
Went to a writing group today
Aug. 10th, 2025 09:43 pmI went to a writing group today with writers I met at the convention I went to last month. I am not sure what I will get out of it but they seemed really into the pitch of the novel I was working on and have put on pause because it's depressing so I guess I have to actually get back into writing it. It always makes me feel a bit strange when people are into my description because like... oh no... now they have expectations... what if it doesn't hold up?
In other news I've gotten through the point through a lot of therapy and being away from my family of origin of being able to feel how much my body tenses up and stresses out almost whenever I'm on social media. I do feel like to an extent that I need to keep up with some things but I have been trying to wind down my usage, and am trying to just keep up with other things I like. I feel like I will be less lonely if I actually listen to all the audiobooks I have, etc.
I've also been getting into vaporwave around 10 years too late, but I think it probably took that long for me to understand it, haha. What's so interesting is that you can't buy most vaporwave. It really does make it feel less real, like vapor. If you have some favorite vaporwave I'd appreciate recs.
In other news I've gotten through the point through a lot of therapy and being away from my family of origin of being able to feel how much my body tenses up and stresses out almost whenever I'm on social media. I do feel like to an extent that I need to keep up with some things but I have been trying to wind down my usage, and am trying to just keep up with other things I like. I feel like I will be less lonely if I actually listen to all the audiobooks I have, etc.
I've also been getting into vaporwave around 10 years too late, but I think it probably took that long for me to understand it, haha. What's so interesting is that you can't buy most vaporwave. It really does make it feel less real, like vapor. If you have some favorite vaporwave I'd appreciate recs.
I just saw this and thought you all needed to see it immediately:
Ernest Hemingway Visits Chappell Roan's Pink Pony Club by Amy Estes, at McSweeny's
Ernest Hemingway Visits Chappell Roan's Pink Pony Club by Amy Estes, at McSweeny's
12 Novels #5: Butter by Asako Yuzuki
Jun. 3rd, 2025 11:07 pmButter by Asako Yuzuki was a book that I had requested from a long libby queue a long time ago, forgot about, and then suddenly I had to read it right away before it disappeared, so it became my book for May. Anyway, I'm going to be square about it -- I was disappointed.
And I think what disappointed me so much is that about the first two thirds of the book were so, so promising, with a slow build about danger and desire for it to just... poof into smoke. I really feel like to get into my problems with this book will require spoiler tags, so here we go.
For a book with so many meditations on desire, particularly female desire, and clear themes of intimacy between two female characters who are very dissatisfied with their male lovers, the gender non-conformity of the main character, and the taboo of it all, it never... went there. And it's not even that it never went there, it read like there was some kind of invisible barrier preventing it from going there, like some kind of Hayes-like code that prevented it from happening. Once it got too close to happening the novel retracted itself into a nice, neat little story with a neat little lesson about wants without transgressing that awful line of... gasp, lesbian desire!
I admittedly didn't read too much about this book before I started and as a digital copy I did not have the blurb easily accessible so I couldn't immediately tell if it was being billed as a 'queer' or 'lesbian' book. I know that after a certain point in the US, books portraying major characters as gay and normal rather than something inherently... transgressive, I guess? became mainstreamed and I was not sure if this shift over ever happened in Japan so I was wondering if maybe I was seeing something like a book that was pre-this-shift. However, that was not what happened. The story saw what could have been and then went, absolutely not, nothing to see here.
It felt like a perfect distillation of what I was talking about to![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
yvannairie a while ago, how straight, canonical couples have no chemistry at all, while implied gay couples have so much because they're not built completely on societal expectations of what a couple should be. Hell, there was even more chemistry between the main character and her older male tip source than her boyfriend, who thank God she at least broke up with, but that none of the chemistry that the main character actually had was ever explored is so bonkers considering the themes in the book. And it's so weird because it's not like there's no sex happening. It's like sex is allowed, as long as it's not actually sexy at all. Ugh.
Anyway. I don't know how much of this was stuff lost in translation, considering the book was originally published in Japanese. But I don't think I could recommend this book, especially to the type of people I know.
And I think what disappointed me so much is that about the first two thirds of the book were so, so promising, with a slow build about danger and desire for it to just... poof into smoke. I really feel like to get into my problems with this book will require spoiler tags, so here we go.
For a book with so many meditations on desire, particularly female desire, and clear themes of intimacy between two female characters who are very dissatisfied with their male lovers, the gender non-conformity of the main character, and the taboo of it all, it never... went there. And it's not even that it never went there, it read like there was some kind of invisible barrier preventing it from going there, like some kind of Hayes-like code that prevented it from happening. Once it got too close to happening the novel retracted itself into a nice, neat little story with a neat little lesson about wants without transgressing that awful line of... gasp, lesbian desire!
I admittedly didn't read too much about this book before I started and as a digital copy I did not have the blurb easily accessible so I couldn't immediately tell if it was being billed as a 'queer' or 'lesbian' book. I know that after a certain point in the US, books portraying major characters as gay and normal rather than something inherently... transgressive, I guess? became mainstreamed and I was not sure if this shift over ever happened in Japan so I was wondering if maybe I was seeing something like a book that was pre-this-shift. However, that was not what happened. The story saw what could have been and then went, absolutely not, nothing to see here.
It felt like a perfect distillation of what I was talking about to
yvannairie a while ago, how straight, canonical couples have no chemistry at all, while implied gay couples have so much because they're not built completely on societal expectations of what a couple should be. Hell, there was even more chemistry between the main character and her older male tip source than her boyfriend, who thank God she at least broke up with, but that none of the chemistry that the main character actually had was ever explored is so bonkers considering the themes in the book. And it's so weird because it's not like there's no sex happening. It's like sex is allowed, as long as it's not actually sexy at all. Ugh.Anyway. I don't know how much of this was stuff lost in translation, considering the book was originally published in Japanese. But I don't think I could recommend this book, especially to the type of people I know.
Writing (and Zine) Thoughts
May. 18th, 2025 10:41 pmI guess I'm feeling kind of gross because I feel like I'm between projects, but not really.
I am Looking At The Novel, being the science fiction novel I've been working on for two years, and think the first few chapters need a heavy revision. So I have been trying to do that, but being on the computer, it's hard, and I'm just... not feeling it? And I'm not sure if I need to pause or need to muscle through it. My insane thought was to make a draft where I just took the passages I really liked, in some kind of opposite kill-your-darlings, and try to weave a narrative through that way, because this piece is really supposed to be running on vibes, so selecting the bestest vibes first from the old draft may be the way to go. Or maybe I should just do normal editing. I don't know. I feel kind of nuts looking at this thing, which is making me wonder if I should just chicken scratch at dirt for a new project that I want to do but isn't formed enough to really start writing.
I also had this insane idea of making a zine of excerpts of notes I've sent to my therapist, which in my case are extremely prolific. I mean it's my writing so I can do what I want with it, right? But as I was starting to compile some stuff it just felt really hard, even if the excerpts I was working with weren't super significant. I was at a local group to write and in the middle of it I was just like, "wow, what the fuck am I doing, this is insane," and had to get up and leave. But maybe it would be worth it to do? I don't know.
There is a zinefest at the end of June so I did want to bring something more substantial than my minizine for trades, but this might... not be it.
I am Looking At The Novel, being the science fiction novel I've been working on for two years, and think the first few chapters need a heavy revision. So I have been trying to do that, but being on the computer, it's hard, and I'm just... not feeling it? And I'm not sure if I need to pause or need to muscle through it. My insane thought was to make a draft where I just took the passages I really liked, in some kind of opposite kill-your-darlings, and try to weave a narrative through that way, because this piece is really supposed to be running on vibes, so selecting the bestest vibes first from the old draft may be the way to go. Or maybe I should just do normal editing. I don't know. I feel kind of nuts looking at this thing, which is making me wonder if I should just chicken scratch at dirt for a new project that I want to do but isn't formed enough to really start writing.
I also had this insane idea of making a zine of excerpts of notes I've sent to my therapist, which in my case are extremely prolific. I mean it's my writing so I can do what I want with it, right? But as I was starting to compile some stuff it just felt really hard, even if the excerpts I was working with weren't super significant. I was at a local group to write and in the middle of it I was just like, "wow, what the fuck am I doing, this is insane," and had to get up and leave. But maybe it would be worth it to do? I don't know.
There is a zinefest at the end of June so I did want to bring something more substantial than my minizine for trades, but this might... not be it.
Joann's, Existential Angst Scale, Etc
Mar. 5th, 2025 05:11 pmI'm realizing I'm actually very sad about Joann's going out of business. Yes I am very fortunate in that I am in an area with a few decent fabric stores -- but they're always out there and the small vintage stock and specialty quilt ones nearby might not have what you're looking for, and the big ones are a schlep. Ugh.
I started PT for my back yesterday and am starting to think that there should be an existential angst subscale for the pain scale they give you. Because just a number doesn't really cut it, maybe it's not bad but it makes you contemplate your existence too much is definitely an underconsidered problem, and feelings of impeding doom are considered medically significant so I think these are as well. (At least in my case this often means that it's nerve-related).
I think I'm getting sick of the internet, even though I'm still flipping through reddit etc. all the time. It's just not... that interesting? I wish it was interesting, I wish the good internet still existed, but I kind of doubt it ever really did. It feels a bit like a fever dream.
I started PT for my back yesterday and am starting to think that there should be an existential angst subscale for the pain scale they give you. Because just a number doesn't really cut it, maybe it's not bad but it makes you contemplate your existence too much is definitely an underconsidered problem, and feelings of impeding doom are considered medically significant so I think these are as well. (At least in my case this often means that it's nerve-related).
I think I'm getting sick of the internet, even though I'm still flipping through reddit etc. all the time. It's just not... that interesting? I wish it was interesting, I wish the good internet still existed, but I kind of doubt it ever really did. It feels a bit like a fever dream.
About Quilt Sandwiches
Dec. 15th, 2024 10:57 pmMy partner helped me put together a small quilt sandwich today and it got me thinking.
For those who don't know, a quilt sandwich is the construction of the quilt before the actual quilting part. You have your quilt top (usually patchwork for most projects), the batting (fluffy stuff) and the quilt back (often a large, plain piece of fabric, but it could also be a patchwork if you want a double-sided one). So, it's fabric, fluffy stuff, and fabric, like a sandwich.
So, as far as we know, sandwiches have a definite invention in the Earl of Sandwich's household around 1762. However quilting is much older, and was widespread in Europe in the form of gambesons and otherwise much earlier.
So... what were quilt sandwiches called before there were sandwiches?
For those who don't know, a quilt sandwich is the construction of the quilt before the actual quilting part. You have your quilt top (usually patchwork for most projects), the batting (fluffy stuff) and the quilt back (often a large, plain piece of fabric, but it could also be a patchwork if you want a double-sided one). So, it's fabric, fluffy stuff, and fabric, like a sandwich.
So, as far as we know, sandwiches have a definite invention in the Earl of Sandwich's household around 1762. However quilting is much older, and was widespread in Europe in the form of gambesons and otherwise much earlier.
So... what were quilt sandwiches called before there were sandwiches?
Against My Better Judgement
Mar. 28th, 2024 08:27 amAgainst my better judgement I went ahead and purchased one of the supernova rainbow titanium nitride bullet fisher space pens. I also got a purple ink cartridge for it -- so I will have a fully automated luxury gay space communism pen when it arrives, I think.
I have also put in a hold for a digital copy of at my library for The Future Is Analog by David Sax, so he might come and strangle me in my sleep for that, I suppose.
I have also put in a hold for a digital copy of at my library for The Future Is Analog by David Sax, so he might come and strangle me in my sleep for that, I suppose.
Thrift Shopping
Feb. 21st, 2024 01:09 pmA few days ago I went thrift shopping with my boyfriend and ended up looking at the women's blazers because I may need something for interviews and going out and sometimes women's are more interesting and I can fit into the larger ones. We found this navy blue and black brocaded tuxedo jacket and it was $15 and fit me and so I had to get it. As we checked it over we found the tag on the inside that said had its designer that read "FOR MEN" on it... it was actually a men's jacket, but because it was interesting and a bit flashy, had automatically been flagged as a women's garment and put all the way on the other side of the store in the women's section, while the men's garments maintained a very strict conformity of things that men were 'supposed' to wear.
I get that the Savers staff are very busy and sorting through lots and lots of clothing, and it's something of a cliche to say that "this says a lot about society" but also, this says a lot about society, I think.
I get that the Savers staff are very busy and sorting through lots and lots of clothing, and it's something of a cliche to say that "this says a lot about society" but also, this says a lot about society, I think.
3 Things #4
Jan. 26th, 2024 09:20 amI'm getting back to it, doing 3 things again. I want things that are from humans to be of human interest rather than The Algorithm or whatever. So, I've got 3 more things this week:
Just Put Stuff Out There, a blog post by Matthias Ott on why you should just… put stuff out there, on the internet, and the balance of thinking enough to make what one puts out intentional and not thinking to hard about what you’re actually putting out there.
Author Charles Stross experiences a google alert on a book review generated by AI for the first time. So, related to the post on ‘garbage’ I made a few days ago, that ‘garbage’ is now being generated for no real reason. I guess if you have google alerts, this is a caution that maybe they’re not going to be useful for much longer if they have been.
Continuing with the nostalgia theme an interesting neocities site, the 99Gif Shop seems to be an archive of old gifs in all of their oddly-timed glory. Give it a look!
Just Put Stuff Out There, a blog post by Matthias Ott on why you should just… put stuff out there, on the internet, and the balance of thinking enough to make what one puts out intentional and not thinking to hard about what you’re actually putting out there.
Author Charles Stross experiences a google alert on a book review generated by AI for the first time. So, related to the post on ‘garbage’ I made a few days ago, that ‘garbage’ is now being generated for no real reason. I guess if you have google alerts, this is a caution that maybe they’re not going to be useful for much longer if they have been.
Continuing with the nostalgia theme an interesting neocities site, the 99Gif Shop seems to be an archive of old gifs in all of their oddly-timed glory. Give it a look!
Thinking About Garbage
Jan. 23rd, 2024 03:56 pmAs I don't have a job right now, today I spent time clearing out my email inbox of endless garbage I receive from job posting websites and otherwise so that I will actually see a request for an interview when I get one. I cleared out the garbage from the months of January and December, and my inbox still says I have 8,434 emails, and this is my newest email address out of 4 different ones I maintain.
This reminds me of a tweet I saw a few days ago:
text: I’m fascinated by the idea of the Dead Internet, in which AI bots create website copies littered with ads that are then recursively crawled by “audience bots” over and over again. There are sectors of the internet devoid of all humanity, except for the person collecting ad rev. --twitter user telefontelaviv
Computer and internet tools have made the dissemination of data so easy that it happens automatically without regard of who it is for and if that data is even useful to spread. It just happens automatically at this point, making the forms it takes -- emails, articles -- less and less useful, because as the amount blows up, the amount of actual meaningful information contained within is endlessly diluted. But who pays for this dilution? It's not the person actually making money off of the transaction or creating these 'helpful' tools. It's an entirely externalized cost on those of us who have to put up with this garbage. And it is a lot of garbage.
This reminds me of a tweet I saw a few days ago:
text: I’m fascinated by the idea of the Dead Internet, in which AI bots create website copies littered with ads that are then recursively crawled by “audience bots” over and over again. There are sectors of the internet devoid of all humanity, except for the person collecting ad rev. --twitter user telefontelaviv
Computer and internet tools have made the dissemination of data so easy that it happens automatically without regard of who it is for and if that data is even useful to spread. It just happens automatically at this point, making the forms it takes -- emails, articles -- less and less useful, because as the amount blows up, the amount of actual meaningful information contained within is endlessly diluted. But who pays for this dilution? It's not the person actually making money off of the transaction or creating these 'helpful' tools. It's an entirely externalized cost on those of us who have to put up with this garbage. And it is a lot of garbage.
A Thought On Liminal Pools
Jan. 16th, 2024 09:11 pmI was thinking about the web art/photography phenomenon of 'liminal pools', and was watching a video by youtuber Nightshade most particularly about Jared Pike's art. The video itself is interesting and I also read I think on a reddit post about how people who tend to enjoy or desire solitude find these images calming while people who need people more find them distressing (I love looking at them, and my boyfriend was immediately put off by them).
But I think something that's missing from the overanalysis of Nightshade and a lot of analyses of liminal pools in general is that until very, very recently, you could not bring your phone (or any electronics) to the pool, which I think for at least a certain set of people brings a feeling of nostalgia and calm of not being connected. In the liminal pools, the vibe it brings you is that you are safe from emails, essentially, ironically, considering people are generally viewing these images on a device that receives constant internet communication. While Jared Pike does sell prints of his work, I have a feeling that just sticking it on a wall would not be the same.
But I think something that's missing from the overanalysis of Nightshade and a lot of analyses of liminal pools in general is that until very, very recently, you could not bring your phone (or any electronics) to the pool, which I think for at least a certain set of people brings a feeling of nostalgia and calm of not being connected. In the liminal pools, the vibe it brings you is that you are safe from emails, essentially, ironically, considering people are generally viewing these images on a device that receives constant internet communication. While Jared Pike does sell prints of his work, I have a feeling that just sticking it on a wall would not be the same.
I don’t usually like New Year’s resolutions, but I’ve maybe been convinced to do a few things that are unlikely to actually get done.
1. Draw blorbos. Fill up a sketchbook of blorbos (this is a specific sketchbook, which has 60 pages). Aside from feeling like I can’t draw whenever I try to draw, there’s also the weird shame that prevents me from being able to draw things I just like… I’ve always been envious of those twitter artists who could just churn out picture after picture of blorbo so maybe by the end of the year I will no longer have said mental block and be able to draw my own old man yaoi.
2. Read 10 novels. More than last year for sure but not a ridiculous amount, pretty doable.
3. Actually use the planner, stickers, post cards, etc.
4. I deleted twitter from my phone. Not really a New Year’s resolution, as in I’m not going to consider myself to be a failure if I put it back. But right now it’s gone.
Not a part of the resolutions but I am also thinking of building the website, Rebranding™️ and etc… I am thinking of maybe making a gallery of liminal space images on Neocities. That’s something I don’t need to feel like I’m totally competent at to begin with, at least.
Anyway. Yesterday I went to get a massage and it was different than usual. Most of the time there are only a couple spots that are a bit painful, and I grin and bear it, but this time much more was painful, to the point that I even flinched away. I had been seeing the same guy a few times and I asked him what seemed different this time, and he said that I seemed more present this time. So I guess this is what you get for being mentally present, huh, you regain the ability to feel pain. I still felt better afterward, but even a few hours after and even now over a day later I am trying to keep my body from re-tensing up and I feel like I’m mostly failing. It’s hard to tell exactly what’s wrong, or how to fix it, alas.
1. Draw blorbos. Fill up a sketchbook of blorbos (this is a specific sketchbook, which has 60 pages). Aside from feeling like I can’t draw whenever I try to draw, there’s also the weird shame that prevents me from being able to draw things I just like… I’ve always been envious of those twitter artists who could just churn out picture after picture of blorbo so maybe by the end of the year I will no longer have said mental block and be able to draw my own old man yaoi.
2. Read 10 novels. More than last year for sure but not a ridiculous amount, pretty doable.
3. Actually use the planner, stickers, post cards, etc.
4. I deleted twitter from my phone. Not really a New Year’s resolution, as in I’m not going to consider myself to be a failure if I put it back. But right now it’s gone.
Not a part of the resolutions but I am also thinking of building the website, Rebranding™️ and etc… I am thinking of maybe making a gallery of liminal space images on Neocities. That’s something I don’t need to feel like I’m totally competent at to begin with, at least.
Anyway. Yesterday I went to get a massage and it was different than usual. Most of the time there are only a couple spots that are a bit painful, and I grin and bear it, but this time much more was painful, to the point that I even flinched away. I had been seeing the same guy a few times and I asked him what seemed different this time, and he said that I seemed more present this time. So I guess this is what you get for being mentally present, huh, you regain the ability to feel pain. I still felt better afterward, but even a few hours after and even now over a day later I am trying to keep my body from re-tensing up and I feel like I’m mostly failing. It’s hard to tell exactly what’s wrong, or how to fix it, alas.
Sudden Character Appearance!
Oct. 31st, 2023 10:25 pmOn Sunday I was writing and a new character suddenly showed up who now added a whole new wing to this story that I did not realize was there. So, that's exciting, and has actually made me want to write in the past few days, and guess what, I did manage to do two pages today.
I am unsure if I should talk about my project on here, and even if I did it is hard for me to think of how to do it. I guess maybe because I conceive of all my work as highly personal, but at the same time, I guess it's not. Writing about yourself but not yourself, or something. Putting it all somewhere else where it is safer, I guess.
I am also full of stupid thoughts when I write. "Oh, is it too obvious that I favor this character?" as if people will judge me. And then I do not let others read because they will judge me. So I should just gush all I want about who I want. Pfeh.
Maybe someday I will post it somewhere. But I think that if I am going to do anything with it... I will have to learn to talk about it at some point. That's a bit scary.
I am unsure if I should talk about my project on here, and even if I did it is hard for me to think of how to do it. I guess maybe because I conceive of all my work as highly personal, but at the same time, I guess it's not. Writing about yourself but not yourself, or something. Putting it all somewhere else where it is safer, I guess.
I am also full of stupid thoughts when I write. "Oh, is it too obvious that I favor this character?" as if people will judge me. And then I do not let others read because they will judge me. So I should just gush all I want about who I want. Pfeh.
Maybe someday I will post it somewhere. But I think that if I am going to do anything with it... I will have to learn to talk about it at some point. That's a bit scary.
