grayestofghosts | Recent Entries

This is a public journal for public thoughts.

More interesting, well-drafted posts are under the long tag. Posts about myself are in the self tag, if you're curious.

I also have an Ao3 account!

Completed Original Works:

GET OFF YOUR PHONE and GET ON YOUR COMPUTER
A minizine on why you should get off your phone and get on your computer, published in April 2025. Available for pay-what-you-want on my Ko-Fi and as a free download on my website.

Completed Fan Works:

Trust Exercises (AO3 Link)
Fandom: Critical Role s1/The Legend of Vox Machina
Rating: Mature
Description: Sometime after the battle under Whitestone, Pike finally takes Percy to a temple about that whole demon problem, where Percy is difficult and then does a lot of drugs.

At some point I'd like to post my original fiction, but... I'm not there yet.

If you enjoy what you're reading and want to support me,

I'm very tempted to start writing posts on gender. I don't talk that much on gender here and that's mostly been on purpose. But I'm getting tempted, because the world isn't really getting less harsh. I am thinking however I will be putting them as private entries, I'm not sure I really want the wider world picking apart my thoughts on gender, even if nobody will actually see them here. This is Dreamwidth, after all.

Current Music: "Don't Stop", Fleetwood Mac

I ordered some zines and was thinking hey I should make a zine but was at a loss of what to make and my husband suggested I make one on how to deSpotify, which would probably be a good idea because it's actually a pretty complex topic. Spotify both maintains a music library and facilitates music discovery, and maintaining a library by yourself is not easy in itself but music discovery since Spotify has been made more difficult by Spotify killing off alternatives. So it would probably be useful, even though I guess I am not entirely deSpotified myself (I am on a big family plan with friends and acquaintances, but rarely use it).

Otherwise when it comes to actual devices, apparently there was a big snit with the Innioasis Y1 community. The guy who developed the app that drastically simplified things (I could not get the original alternative, MTKClient to work, because I'm Not Good At Computer) was kicked out of the Reddit community because he was harassing people and I'm not really sure where to go from there. I have been using my Snowsky Echo Mini more often now even though the Y1 is clearly a more versatile device, but what am I going to do if I can't actually maintain the Y1? It makes me wonder if I should get one of the more upscale devices like a HiBy R4 or whatever even though they're basically phones, just because this is kinda nuts. I don't know. Apparently the chip shortage is going to make DAPs, especially low price ones, harder to get. Snowsky is releasing a new player, the Disc, that I'm not really that hyped about but we'll see. I wish they would just put bookmarking and playlists on the Echo Mini, that would fix most of my problems.

Current Music: "Never Going Back Again," Fleetwood Mac

I'm still alive. I am behind on my reading, and should still make posts on the last two books I've read and not done anything about (Harrow the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir and Yield Under Great Persuasion by Alexandra Rowland). I guess in the interim I've read fanfic and Frieren, which is fine, I guess, but not the same as reading.

There's just... a lot of bad things going on around me and not all of them are online, and I keep thinking about how things used to be better, but I do not know where those good things are. And honestly I'm a different person than I was then, so now I need different things, just in time for everything to feel so closed off.

Getting into stuff like vaporwave, messing with computers, etc., all feel like distractions and while I get that distractions are necessary to an extent I am not sure what would even be fulfilling. I am tempted to try to get into zine space but I think my confidence is an issue. I have been writing consistently (even if it's only one sentence a day, I've at least been touching the current WIP every day), and I think my new year's resolution will be to have a finished draft. But overall I don't really feel good. And I don't really know what to do.

When I look at the small web stuff it is interesting and there is a big dream there but right now it feels insufficiently social right now. Perhaps I am looking at the wrong places.

Current Music: "目覚め," 猫シ Corp. & t e l e p a t h テレパシー能力者

So today I went to a recipe site that was pushed to me by Firefox. It was about how to dry brine a turkey which my husband was thinking of doing for Thanksgiving, so, you know, normal article to be pushed on me this time of year. I tried to read the article and I was immediately swarmed with ads, leaving even my proper laptop screen little space to read, and then. Then. An ad popped up in the middle of my screen. Right in the middle. An ad I could not click to close, right in the middle of the screen, right in the middle of the text, there was no way to move it. It left me able to leave like one line of text on the whole friggin laptop screen. I thought this had to be some kind of mistake so I refreshed the page, and the ad went from a square in the middle of the screen had expanded to a full stripe in the middle of the page, making the entire text unreadable, with no way to close this ad, no way to wait for the ad to finish, it just made the entire article unreadable.

I am done with the internet. Throw the whole thing out.

Current Music: "The Chain," Fleetwood Mac

I am not sure how to explain but it feels like something changed with respect to US politics. But I don't know. But it's hard to shake the feeling given the headlines that something changed today.

The Taylor Swift money grab feels ominous as well.

I don't know. I'm playing cookie clicker and trying not to think about it right now.

Current Music: "See," Tycho

I am not sure if anyone is aware of the drama ongoing at BlueSky, but uh... essentially, Jay has been dismissive and making fun of users who do not want Jesse Singal on the platform, and moderation has gone on a spree of banning people who criticize her, including permabanning original long-time users. So naturally people are talking about alternatives.

And it's very disconcerting because the lifecycle of these sites are getting shorter and shorter, and people are pointing out how BlueSky is meant to be a protocol that can be used by other servers (? I am still not quite sure how this works and how it's different from Mastodon in that respect, but we will see) but lots of people are talking about jumping ship and going to Tumblr or even DreamWidth and the thing is these people seem to want microblogging and yet microblogging platforms continue to prove themselves to be terrible, and it's like... maybe there's a reason why microblogging platforms, specifically, tend to be terrible.

There was at least one user recommending microblogging from Dreamwidth (I guess several short posts per day on DW?) which I guess is possible but I'm not sure how that wouldn't drive people nuts. I do follow one person who does this, which I appreciate, but if everyone on my feed posted that way I think it would become unusable. I haven't been using my bearblog but I'm wondering how much it could be used for microblogging... as in, I am wondering if it would be worth it to test the character limits of the titles, and maybe it could be done. It definitely wouldn't be the same as BlueSky or even Dreamwidth at all but it could possibly be something?

I don't know, microblogging has created a unique niche in the ecosystem that I'm not sure can be replaced, and it's easy to question whether it should be replaced and even if I hate it I'm really not sure it should be.

Current Music: "My Life Away," Unlike Pluto

So as I spend more time on Dreamwidth and in indie web spaces I'm finding people are actually posting more actual content, as in essays, stories, art, etc on their small websites rather than just making them into nostalgia retro pages and that's really cool! However one thing to remember about small sites is that, well, they tended to disappear almost as quickly as they showed up. The WayBack Machine may have pieces of a website but not everything, so if you find a cool site, you might want to be able to save it locally. Or maybe you're somewhere with unreliable internet and just want a copy of your friend's fanfiction archive locally so you can read it when you want to and not when the internet is cooperating. I get it!

One of the more convenient ways to do this I've found is with Kiwix. Kiwix is an organization that makes an app that was primarily designed to be able to download and browse various Wikipedia projects in areas where internet access is difficult, impossible, or dangerous. This works by compiling websites onto .zim files, which you can find pre-compiled through kiwix, but you can also find .zim files elsewhere or even make your own, and a very simple way to do that is through the Zimit tool. Zimit has a lot of limitations, but it usually works fantastically well on most small static sites like the kinds you find on the indie web. The resulting .zim file from the tool can be used with any Kiwix application, either on a computer or a mobile device, and you can browse through the webpage to your heart's content without an internet connection. Enjoy!

Current Music: "Falling Into Place," Rena Jones

I have been messing around with the Innioasis y1 and while it's definitely got bugs I have been enjoying using it and have been generally filling it with lots of stuff. So, instead of keeping everything to myself, I'm sharing these:

Listen Notes is one of the few podcast streaming websites I've been able to find that still has an audio download link on every podcast and does not take you to an app (Podbean does this for most but not some -- I have not found any feeds that do not link to actual mp3 files on Listen Notes yet). So, if you're using an mp3 player without apps, this is a good choice to download your podcasts from. I generally use Swinsian (not free) to clean up the metadata before I upload it but that's definitely not strictly necessary.

The Current radio station allows free downloads of The Song Of The Day going back five days. A long time ago iTunes used to have this feature, where they had a free to download song every day, so this is similar. The Current is an alternative station but they're pretty eclectic so it's worth checking out even if alternative specifically isn't your jam.

And a pay-what-you-want album, Blank Banshee 0 by Blank Banshee, which has been in my heavy rotation for me for a while, though may partly be because it comes up early in the album listing, haha. It's considered pretty foundational vaporwave with other influences. I had the surreal experience a few nights ago listening to a song on the radio that was very clearly sampled in here.

Current Music: "Mirror Me," Rena Jones

So I have been working on the novel again, have managed to finish another notebook again and have finished transcribing from it. Currently after three notebooks (with a significant amount of discarded work, let's be honest), the novel is sitting at a cool 85,000 words.

Current Music: "More Than Friends", Lucy Dacus

So, I've finally done it, probably too late, but I have finally done it, I've read This Is How You Lose The Time War by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone. I remember this book having this huge flash-in-the-pan popularity during the pandemic (?) and I bought it on Audible and didn't get around to reading it until now. And it's good! I did enjoy it. It's a rare book that does a time travel plot and really sticks the landing. I can however see why maybe it doesn't seem to have a lot of staying power in our current fan-dominated communities -- it is maybe too tightly plotted, there are few pockets for the imagination. Sometimes things can be too good to be added to. But it is worth reading, and I did like the audiobook performances by Cynthia Farrell and Emily Woo Zeller.

As it is I have Audible tokens I need to use soon and a new mp3 player that can handle audiobooks well, so I will take any recommendations on how to spend them quickly.

Current Music: "This Is," Grace Jones

I just got the Innioasis Y1. Why? Well, frankly the other DAP had frustrating limitations that I am hoping this one does not have, primarily with respect to audiobooks and podcasts. It kind of seems like the easiest way to get an inexpensive device that can handle audiobooks well (as in, keeping bookmarks) is by having an android base, but having an android base also causes other issues. So it's a tradeoff. I got the Y1 for $50 so right now if it doesn't work out I'm not going to beat myself up too much about it, and also if I hate the original android OS I can choose to install rockbox (though I don't know how good rockbox is for audiobooks... have not done research.

I'm not going to do a full review because I haven't used it much, and have barely uploaded all my music onto it. The Innioasis Y1 is designed to look like an iPod but feels way cheaper than an iPod, because, of course, you are only paying $50 for it. I got the blue (which is a teal color) even though my first choice would have been the teal (which is a blue color), but it still looks nice. Honestly in terms of first impression of builds, I think the Snowsky Echo Mini is probably nicer. I am definitely contemplating getting a screen protector for this thing.

The sound quality is ok -- on first impression I am not sure if it is slightly worse than the echo mini or I just haven't found the right volume (I think the Echo Mini can get way louder). One thing it does have is the ability to create themes. The Y1 is advertised as being "for kids," I guess because it doesn't have any web functionality so you can control what your child is listening to, so most of the default themes are kinda goofy looking. So the first thing I did was download a bunch of themes and am currently using a Windows 95 theme I found on Reddit.

I'm going to give it at least a week to see how it compares to the echo mini, or if I want to try running rockbox on it.

Current Music: "Devil In My Life," Grace Jones

I understand nonbinary as an umbrella term but I kinda hate it as a descriptor. It'd be nice to be something rather than be labeled by what one isn't by default. There's something distinctly unmooring about being forced to identify with what one is not, and I'm not sure who decided on that, but I wish they would have thought this through a little better, idk.

Current Music: "Filaments," Shearwater

So I went ahead and got a bearblog account, which I am not linking to yet because I haven't even settled on what url I'm going to end up using. I remember finding bearblog a while ago and finding it intriguing enough to list on my easy-to-use-no-fuss blogging platform recommendations alongside dreamwidth and zonelets. The thing that stopped me from getting one before was, well, what was I going to use it for? I already have a blog here. I figured that if I did get one it would compete with the time I used for dreamwidth but now I'm not sure, considering there is a major difference between dreamwidth and bearblog -- bearblog has no (native) comments function.

Dreamwidth is blogging but it's also social media. Even though I don't get a lot of comments, I do regularly check for them, so I can expect whatever I say to get some sort of response, and I do write with an audience in mind, even though I know it probably isn't many people! So I was thinking of using my bearblog for something different? I was thinking of using it for posting some of my writing/process notes, stuff that I wouldn't necessarily want comments on. I had wanted to experiment with this for a little, and I feel like bearblog would be one of the low-risk ways for me to try this, to see if it's worth doing at all.

When I do get the actual blog set up I will have it linked here. I just don't have it yet.

Current Music: "Veni, Vidi, Emi", 猫シ Corp

I feel like at some point I am going to need to write about a particular transmasculine identity, which isn't quite "man" but is definitely masc-attracted, that is a stable identity but it coalesces on a sort of polarity that is not allowed to exist in reality because it is politically inconvenient. These people often seem maligned in the queer community much in the same way as bisexual women, being accused of "just being straight women who want to feel special". This accusation becomes increasingly bizarre as this group comes out and gain confidence in themselves, not only physically transition but also tend to date each other or trans men. Around this group, The gender/sexuality matrix breaks down here in peculiar ways, especially given the traditional taboo of butch/butch relationships. It looks like fluidity from the outside of gender and sexuality because there's a conscious avoidance of being able to name it, but it's really stable. "If anything that's not a man is a spicy woman, why are these spicy women dating other spicy women when they like men?" the gender and sexuality zeitgeist around us ties itself into knots to understand. This group is forced to twist into concepts it doesn't fit into because that is the "way it actually is" according to the ones who built the fences.

It's such a weird space, and the seemingly rigid, artificial boundary at the outer edge of "lesbianism" is part of why it's seen this way, I think. I'm not sure if I can blame it all on political lesbianism either, people have always been uncomfortable with butch/butch relationships, like this weird microcosm of homophobia that gays themselves can indulge in.

I don't know, this isn't really a complete thought. But it seems important.

Current Music: "Miss Missing You," Fall Out Boy

I've been spending some time on the digital audio player subreddit (and now have a Snowsky Echo Mini and matching Linsoul 7HZx Zero:2s* and probably shouldn't be looking there anymore, but the old Sony stick-style mp3 players are strangely appealing), and there are a decent amount of young new users out there who have... never owned a music library, like at all, they just have had Spotify or whatever their entire lives and have never bought music. I guess I shouldn't be surprised but it just seems insane to me. I'm not exactly a full scale digital hoarder but like, if you like something, get a copy, and save it locally. You never know when it's going to disappear.

*I've had the Echo Mini for a while but I just got the IEMs a couple days ago and I am hearing sounds I have never heard before in old songs and they're way more comfortable than my porta pros. I do recommend, if you're into that sort of thing.

Current Music: "Skylar Spence," SAINT PEPSI

I went to a writing group today with writers I met at the convention I went to last month. I am not sure what I will get out of it but they seemed really into the pitch of the novel I was working on and have put on pause because it's depressing so I guess I have to actually get back into writing it. It always makes me feel a bit strange when people are into my description because like... oh no... now they have expectations... what if it doesn't hold up?

In other news I've gotten through the point through a lot of therapy and being away from my family of origin of being able to feel how much my body tenses up and stresses out almost whenever I'm on social media. I do feel like to an extent that I need to keep up with some things but I have been trying to wind down my usage, and am trying to just keep up with other things I like. I feel like I will be less lonely if I actually listen to all the audiobooks I have, etc.

I've also been getting into vaporwave around 10 years too late, but I think it probably took that long for me to understand it, haha. What's so interesting is that you can't buy most vaporwave. It really does make it feel less real, like vapor. If you have some favorite vaporwave I'd appreciate recs.

Current Music: "Night In Tokyo Pt I" MACROSS 82-99

I don't really have a coherent plan of action right now, but given the encroaching ID certification to view anything "adult" in certain countries and payment processors pressuring vendors to censor "mature" content and KOSA getting revived, I kind of feel like more than ever people need to get themselves a web space that isn't social media. Having a static site just seems to be increasingly a good idea, even if it's just a single, unformatted page of links to your friends' static sites, and keep a backup of your site locally in case you're forced to move.

I'd recommend getting started on neocities.org or nekoweb.org. Both have slightly different features. If we know each other and you want to be linked to my website, comment or DM me. Good luck out there.

Current Music: "Killah," Lady Gaga & Gesaffelstein

I had been wanting to get ahold of one of Yukio Mishima's novels for Pride month and it was only recently they came in. For those who don't know, Yukio Mishima is a... divisive figure, and is memetically used as the example of how being gay does not automatically put one on the left of the political spectrum. So, I put in a bunch of holds on Libby, and Life For Sale was the one that came back first. I might have skipped reading it but I was at a music festival with no internet service for hours so I started reading, and then I realized the book was expiring today so I figured I'd better finish it. So I read it quickly, and it's an easy book to read quickly.

As I was reading the book, I was trying to put together some semblance of his political stance, and wondering, how, perhaps, a young man who puts his life "for sale" with the intent of dying by it being used by buyers, and all these women keep dying in his stead, would relate to fascism as a misogynistic death cult, but... it was quite hard to make anything coherent from it, though the character obviously had opinions that "traditional" culture was better and had a low opinion of westerners and foreigners. When I couldn't make much sense of it having any kind of stance, thought the plot was totally coherent, I tried looking it up on Google and immediately find "Life For Sale is widely considered to be one of Yukio Mishima's worst novels..." and more information, that it was serialized in a men's magazine in 1968 is generally not like anything else Mishima has written. So, I might get around to reading another book by him, but maybe not for a while.

I think this quote I found on Wikipedia probably summarizes it up best:

In the New Statesman, philosopher John Gray wrote that "Life for Sale is not a great work of fiction, but it succeeds in capturing vividly the bathos of the self-pitying modern nihilist."

I don't really have much else to say. I don't think I'd recommend this one.

Current Music: "Pars", Grace Jones

I just saw this and thought you all needed to see it immediately:

Ernest Hemingway Visits Chappell Roan's Pink Pony Club by Amy Estes, at McSweeny's

Current Music: "Pink Pony Club," Chappel Roan

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Louis Chanina

December 2025

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The Male Hysteric

Recent Entries

Navigation

Sticky: About

Personal entries, maybe

Music and Digital Audio Player thoughts

Still Looking For The Good Internet

So today I went to a recipe site...

Is something happening?

Microblogging Blues

Kiwix Zimit: An Easy Way To Save Small Sites Locally

Some Free Audio, If You Want It

Progress? I think?

12 Novels #9: This Is How You Lose The Time War, by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone

New Toy: Innioasis Y1

I don't expect to get much agreement with this thought

Maybe doing something silly, idk

I'd like to write someday

On r/DigitalAudioPlayer

Went to a writing group today

Get a Static Site -- It's Getting Nasty Out There

12 Novels #8: Life For Sale by Yukio Mishima

Ernest Hemingway Visits Chappell Roan's Pink Pony Club by Amy Estes