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grayestofghostsSo I wrote one page in the notebook today, which is much more than I had been doing previously. It's something! I don't know if I will keep it! I don't know if this is what I want to do!
I am wondering if I am going to run into the same wall I did with the last piece I had attempted which had some similar themes but really, really did not go anywhere. I kind of feel like I'm dissociating. The feeling of observing the observer, that you're just too mechanical and you can see all the parts of it working and you do not understand where the perspective is coming from, that you can maybe feel the underpinnings whir and rattle (or gush or pump, as the organic machines of our bodies may be) away and you know you should not know this and yet you do and what are the consequences of this awareness but a problem is that when I start getting mired in these experiences they keep happening, and I need to know them to keep writing them, and even though they come on their own maybe they are extended through writing, or maybe thinking about them causes them.
Yes I do have a therapist but she has been really bad about responding to me and I haven't been great about responding to her. I'll... definitely text her again to see if she has an opening soon. I don't know. I do not know why this is happening, when things are relatively good for me right now. It's also so much whenever I try to look it up and see this stuff as considered as a coping mechanism for capital-T Trauma and whatnot. I don't know. I'm tired, and it's too late to have these thoughts.
I am wondering if I am going to run into the same wall I did with the last piece I had attempted which had some similar themes but really, really did not go anywhere. I kind of feel like I'm dissociating. The feeling of observing the observer, that you're just too mechanical and you can see all the parts of it working and you do not understand where the perspective is coming from, that you can maybe feel the underpinnings whir and rattle (or gush or pump, as the organic machines of our bodies may be) away and you know you should not know this and yet you do and what are the consequences of this awareness but a problem is that when I start getting mired in these experiences they keep happening, and I need to know them to keep writing them, and even though they come on their own maybe they are extended through writing, or maybe thinking about them causes them.
Yes I do have a therapist but she has been really bad about responding to me and I haven't been great about responding to her. I'll... definitely text her again to see if she has an opening soon. I don't know. I do not know why this is happening, when things are relatively good for me right now. It's also so much whenever I try to look it up and see this stuff as considered as a coping mechanism for capital-T Trauma and whatnot. I don't know. I'm tired, and it's too late to have these thoughts.
